3-Step Oreo Cookie: Feedback That Grows People

Feedback is one of the most important skills a leader can master. People often feel defensive when they receive feedback because they equate it with failure or being wrong. Most are genuinely trying to do their best, so hearing what needs to change can sting. A great leader understands this dynamic. They know how to dance with the ego to offer truth in a way that helps someone grow instead of shutting down.

Of course, the responsibility goes both ways. Leaders must give feedback thoughtfully, and individuals must receive it openly. Emotionally mature people learn to pause, get curious, and listen without defensiveness. A practical way to do this well is the Oreo Cookie Method, a simple but powerful framework that helps feedback land with clarity, care, and purpose.

Here are the three steps to giving feedback that grows people:

Step 1: Start with What’s Working

The first cookie layer is the positive, what they are doing well. No one wants to start with what is wrong. Acknowledge effort, progress, and strength before shifting to what could be better.

Ask yourself:
• What are they doing right
• What strengths are showing up
• What should they keep doing

This opening builds trust and lowers resistance. It reminds them that you see their value and that your goal is to support their growth, not critique their worth.

Step 2: Deliver the Meaningful Middle

The middle of the cookie is where most leaders struggle. Not because they do not care, but because giving feedback well is hard. Leaders often wrestle with how much to say, how direct to be, or how to give feedback without sounding overly critical. The art is in delivering feedback that the receiver can digest and use. The middle is not the negative or the problem. It is the opportunity to level up. Your goal is to help them see the gap between where they are now and where they need to be, then explore what can bridge that space.

Make it specific and actionable:
• What does success look like in this area
• What behaviors, habits, or skills would help
• What support or tools could make it easier

Most people already know they need to improve. Simply telling them to try harder rarely changes anything. True development comes from shared clarity—defining what good looks like and helping them build the systems to get there. This part of the Oreo is where growth happens. It is not criticism. It is coaching.

Step 3: Close with Championing

The final cookie layer is affirmation, championing who they are and the potential you see in them. End the conversation by reflecting on their strengths and naming why you believe they can grow in this area. People want to feel seen, capable, and trusted to rise.

Try something like:
• “You have always been wired to grow and rise to challenges.”
• “Your curiosity and drive will make this shift possible.”
• “You already have the foundation for this. This next step brings it into full strength.”

Championing turns feedback into belief. It reminds them that your confidence in their potential is the reason you spoke up in the first place.

The Oreo Cookie Method does not sugarcoat feedback. It delivers it in a way the ego can receive and apply. Without meaningful feedback, people repeat the same patterns. Trying harder without clarity only creates frustration.

Leaders who give feedback well do more than correct. They develop. They guide others toward greater confidence and competence, helping them grow into their best selves.

Try This

1. Consider one person who currently needs feedback.
2. Map it out using the Oreo Cookie:
   • What are they doing well
   • What is the opportunity or meaningful middle
   • How can you close by championing who they are
3.  Give the feedback, then ask how it landed.

Feedback is not about being right. It is about being real and helping others rise.